Have you ever wanted to be someone else?  I would often dream about having someone else’s life, all I knew was that I didn’t want to be me. I also, thought maybe if I was beautiful (by the world’s standards) people would like me, I had no confidence.  I disliked who I was as a whole, I had always seen myself as extremely shy, introverted and socially awkward.

Escaping with alcohol seemed to help me become someone else. When I would drink I would become outgoing and have a sense of confidence. It was the cure I had been looking for throughout my entire childhood. Anytime I was in a social situation I would need alcohol to tolerate it. I could not be social without it, I could not date without it, I could not be happy without it. 

From a medical standpoint I was finally diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and was prescribed an array of medications. Benzodiazepines were my crutch for a very long time and every now and then I would take more than prescribed to get high or black out. The medications that did not give me a high such as SSRIs I just found useless in really helping me and the side effects left me even more depressed.

I was desperate, my entire life searching for the next escape whether it be drugs and alcohol or dating, relationships and sex. An endless cycle leaving me more desolate and alone.

 The months leading up to getting clean I started declining not only mentally but physically, weighing only 100lbs. I am going to reveal a very ugly truth of opiate addiction which I hope may deter someone from the curiosity of using opioids. When using them it makes you extremely constipated, so you end up never wanting to eat. You know Elvis Presley right? His death was probably one of the worst ways you could go, on the toilet. He did die from a heart attack but I did read something to the extent that he had stool in his colon for around 4 or 5 months. I can believe it though and it’s tragic!

I had tried detoxing on my own so many times and each time the process was worse than the last. I searched the web for ideas and tried to find anything that could help me. By the grace of God I stumbled across an influencer on Facebook one day. She was different, she wrote poetry and did music about addiction. One day she went live to talk about her story on how she had gotten clean from opiates. It all started with a prayer. She prayed to God that if He was real, He would remove every drug dealer out of her life that gave her drugs. One by one God removed all of her drug dealers. They either went to jail, long-term rehab or moved out of state. Among some other amazing things, that was all I really needed to hear. Just like that, I knew if I prayed, that God would help me too. I started praying for God to help me wean off the drugs. It wasn’t till a few months later when I had gotten arrested in a house bust that I was very scared for what my future would hold. By Gods mercy I only spent a few hours in a jail cell. I was finally desperate and broken enough to plead for God to help me with every fiber of my being.  

Shortly after that prayer I was visiting my mother, I knew I would have to go to rehab if she ever found out about my opiate addiction.  That day she looked through my phone and saw a text conversation which said I was going through withdrawals. I was in my 30’s so she never looked through my phone. She confronted me about the text messages and asked me what I was using. I ended up confessing everything to her and made plans to go to rehab. The light was now visible up ahead, but could I make it through one of the most intimidating experiences of my life? Would I actually be able to make it out of the darkness?