The story of my life is one that most can relate too. There’s some trauma, grief, pain, and heartbreak. However, on the other side of all that–by the grace of God–there is redemption, hope and healing. So let’s dive into a brief summary of the mess which was my life, and what I believe is a powerful testimony of what God can do. 

I grew up in an ever changing household. My mother divorced my father when we were just two and remarried just a few years later. Everything seemed great until it wasn’t, as the cliche abusive step parent became an ever present evil looming in my life. From the time we were five to eleven years old  (when my mother finally divorced my step father) I endured mental and physical abuse, the childhood trauma that is, unfortunately, more common than not. In that time my two brothers were born, adding some chaos. We relocated after the divorce to be closer to my grandparents so they could help my mother navigate her new single life with four children. One constant that I always had was my sister, being my twin. Thankfully, it was a built in friendship I could count on for most of my childhood. 

Being raised by a now single mother, and being one of four kids, I did not get much attention from my mother being that she had her hands full with my two younger brothers who both had behavioral issues from the emotional trauma they had endured themselves. My mother did not make that much money as she worked full time and struggled to put food on the table for us kids. Being in my early teens and hitting puberty started off pretty rough. I was very tall and extremely skinny, my clothes would never fit properly. On top of that, not having the latest clothes, shoes or accessories was devastating to a teen girl who longed to be fashionable. 

The trauma I had endured caused severe social and generalized anxiety disorder with depression. Let me preface this situation with the fact that it was the 90s, and mental health was not a thing people would discuss, typically. Starting at a new school was a tough next step. I didn’t have many friends in school and the ones I did have would bully me. Throughout middle school and the years I attended high school I was bullied by friends and other classmates. My appearance was the main target of their cruel jokes. I became suicidal and also began self harm. This is also when I began experiencing sleep paralysis, a uniquely terrifying experience. If there was an opportunity to drink or do drugs I would attempt to escape reality this way, although, I really couldn’t get my hands on very much in my early teens. Although, there was a night that I had overdosed on caffeine pills. I remember praying to God that night that he would save me as my heart pounded out of my chest. That was the first of many times God kept me alive when I probably should have died. I pleaded with my mother to take me out of school in 11th grade and let me do online school, and to my surprise she actually allowed it. That was the first time I felt some kind of hope in my life. I did not have to endure the bullying anymore and a huge weight was lifted. 

Transitioning into my addict tendencies started with binge drinking in my late teens. My mother had been in a long distance relationship for a while and eventually ended up moving us to another state. This was the first time I didn’t have my sister, even though we had grown distant through the school years as she went the route of high achiever in academia and I went the opposite route.

Now that you have a brief understanding of my childhood and my reasoning for turning to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain inside. I will jump ahead a bit to show you the rock bottom it brought me to. I became addicted to fentanyl –yes, the drug that has killed so many. It took my ex boyfriend and some of my friends. Opiates had a hold on me for years, and eventually I worked my tolerance up to the use of fentanyl. It was the darkest time in my life, I was able to hide it from friends, family and coworkers for a very long time. On the inside I was wasting away, slowly dying, becoming a shell of a human being. I would listen to people’s stories on how they got sober. It’s all I wanted, but I didn’t know how to get there. It seemed so hard, no it seemed impossible… but nothing is impossible for God. 

By the grace of God, I’m sober now with three years clean! How did it happen you ask? In my next blogs I will dive into the months leading up to how I got clean and share more of the trials I have faced in my life.  Looking back, it’s crazy to think about ever being stuck in that place of darkness for as long as I was. God has blessed me in an abundance the past three years. This life is one I can now look at through a different lens, one of sobriety, one of hope, and a God given fire in my soul to help others find their way out of the darkness.